This is my Jam!!!!!

I have listened to this song often since January.   Often I just leave it on repeat in my car and listen to it over and over again.    It is not a Christian song, but it has inspired me to keep going and not give up.  Click on *Read Me* to listen to the youtube video.

I hope this song gives you the encouragement it has given me..


~Sunny :D

Serving God

I have been struggling with finding a way to serve God.   I feel I need to serve the Lord, but I am unsure of what ways I should be serving.  What will glorify God and give me joy?   Should I serve in ways I am familiar with or push myself in something I have never done?   Would I benefit from flying under the radar and doing behind the scenes service?   Should I forget serving in a church all together and find ways to serve in my community instead?

Here is some context of the thoughts behind my struggle.   I left my last church two years ago.   In many ways that church broke me.  I still cry in the middle of the night over things that happened at that church. I am not fully healed from the brokenness.    I hesitate to get involved in my church because I don't want to get involved in the politics or drama associated with a church.  God created me to fill specific roles but often those roles are acquired through heartbreak and tears.   In some ways those roles gave me joy and I felt like I had a purpose.   However, I am not sure if those few joyful moments were worth the headaches, heartache and pain that eventually happened.

I find myself asking:
"Do I really want to go through this again?"
"How can I prevent myself from getting into the same situations or making the same mistakes again?"
"Do I even want to serve in a church anymore?"

So then I start to think that maybe I should avoid any ministries that might put me in a leadership role.  Stay away from the spotlight, stay away from the stage, stay away from the politics.  I have considered doing tasks such as stuffing envelopes, cleaning up in-between services, becoming a greeter and handing out bulletins.  These jobs and tasks are just as important as the roles I performed at my last church.  However, when I think of these jobs I can't help but wonder:

"Is it enough?"

As a single women I often wonder if I am doing enough.  As a single person I have unlimited time to devote to ministry and to God.  Small tasks have small time commitment.  Being a greeter has a 20 minute time commitment.  Stuffing envelopes might take an hour.  Is that enough?   Shouldn't I be doing great and amazing things for God in my single season?

I also wrestle my thoughts.  Tying to figure out what will honor God the most.   Should I step up to my usual roles in a church or should I forgo my God-gifted talents and volunteer in more understated capacities.  Anyone can stuff envelopes, anyone can clean up between services, anyone can hand out bulletins.  But only a few can fill the roles that God has created me to fill.

With that being said, I do wonder if I should just forget serving in a church all together and find meaning in serving outside of the church.   Serve the community.   Again, I am not entirely sure where to get started.  I found a website called: Volunteer March.  The website listed 100's of volunteer opportunities here in Phoenix.  However, I could not help but wonder if those opportunities were really making a difference in our community.  I honestly just felt like a few of them were trying to save money by not hiring secretaries, tour guides or cleaning crews.

I want my time to count.  When I serve I want to feel like I am serving a higher purpose. I don't want to feel like I am working a part time job and not getting paid.   I want to make a difference.

God has a plan or my life.  I was created for a specific purpose~ I just wish I knew what it was.

~Sunny :D

The Struggle with Singleness~ God's Plan

It has been said "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

This indeed has been my experience. 20 years ago, when asked what I wanted out of life I would tell people that I was going to be a wife and mother.  I wanted 4 children, a modest home and Christmas by the fire.  I wanted to go on vacation to Disney World.  Admittedly, most of the decisions I made in my early 20's revolved around what I wanted my life to look like.

God laughed.

Fast forward 20 years and I am single without any children.   I don't own a home and I have never been to Disney World.

I am a planner.   I like to know where I am going and what I am doing.  I have a well organized plan book.   While I have very detailed plans for my day to day life, I feel directionless about the bigger picture for my life.    Being a single person is sometimes difficult because I don't have a great plan for my life.       Married people have a plan: Get married, buy a home, have kids, family vacations to Disney.  They have laid down roots and have some understanding of what is going to happen tomorrow.  They have a structure to their life.

I have not laid roots.  I have no plan for my life.   I have no idea if I will be living in Phoenix next year or if I will be relocating.  I feel like my life is a game of constant spontaneity and it is no longer fun.    I don't know what comes next.  I don't have the map.  I don't have the plan book and it kind of terrifies me.

I have a friend who is married.  I asked her once, "What would your life look like if you never met your husband?" and she continued to rattle off 7 completly different life plans.  SEVEN.   She assured me she loved her husband but if something happened to him she would pursue a completely different life plan.   I was overwhelmed by her goals because I don't even have one life plan figured out.

In some ways, I feel a little like a free spirit and in other ways I feel completely lost.

As a single person I have always been led to believe that single people were kept single for a higher purpose.  People would say "The Apostle Paul was single" or "Corrie Ten Boom was never married". I am reminded that "Amy Carmichael was a missionary and she never got married."  All three of them led extraordinary lives and did amazing things for Christ.

I am not extraordinary.  I am perfectly ordinary.    I am just a teacher in a middle class neighborhood.  I belong to a small church.   I am not making any real difference in this world. I am not making any real difference in my church.   My Friday nights include Pizza and Netflix with my roommate and my dog.  

Too believe that God is keeping me single for this seems... out of his character.

I often struggle... Am I even living God's plan for my life?  
                                                              (Yes, this is the existential crisis speaking)

I have not had any huge revelations for my life.   No burning bushes, no angels of the Lord visiting me in dreams.  I have not had any extraordinary calls on my life.   I am not called to be a missionary.   I don't have a deep burning passion to change the world.   Is this the abundant life I was told I would have?    My head if filled with anxiety afraid to make any plans for fear of failure.    I have cried out to God about what I am supposed to be doing with my life and all I am hearing is:

"Trust Me."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."~. Proverbs 3:5-6

I suggest reading Isaiah 55 (The entire chapter).  I will quote some of the most meaningful verses:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are  you ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

That is kind of humbling.   I honestly have no idea what will happen tomorrow.  Maybe God's call on my ordinary life will change.  Maybe it won't.

However, I am a child of God and all I can do is trust him with my future.  

~Sunny :D

The Struggle with Singleness~ Feelings of Worthlessness

When I was in high school we used to pick teams in PE.   The most athletic kids were always picked first, followed by the popular kids.   Eventually, they would only have 2-3 kids left to choose from.

I was always the last one chosen.

I hated PE.

I was many things in high school.  I was social (Talkative).  I was intelligent.  I was musical.  I was given lead roles in musicals and plays at my school.  I loved to perform.   I had confidence in the things I knew I was good at.    However,  I was not athletic.  So when it came to choosing teams, I always felt left behind, unwanted and worthless.

While my days of choosing teams in High School have ended, the pain I feel from being unchosen remain.   I have spent 20 years of my life watching everyone around me pair up.  Women getting chosen, asked out, courted and married.  Friends, coworkers,  relatives have all been chosen.

I remained alone.

I struggle often with thoughts of worthlessness~ because I have not been "chosen" to be a wife.   I often forget about the sovereignty of God and wonder what is wrong with me.   I try to find my worth from other people instead of from God.  I was trying to seek validation in the approval of others instead of the approval of God.  

Here are some verse that I hold onto when I feel this way:

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.  I you that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14

"Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll-are they not in your record?"~ Psalm 56:8 (in some versions of the bible it will say that God collects our tears in a bottle, I like that better)

"Indeed, the very hairs on your head are numbered.  Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~Luke 12:7

"I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, no anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Tough she may forget I will not forget you.  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."
~Isaiah 49:15-16

"The Lord appeared to us in the past saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.  Again you will take out your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful." ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them.  He delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."~Psalm 17-19

"The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.  He will take delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."  ~Zephaniah 3:17

This is not an exhaustive list of verses to hold onto when you feel worthless.   These are verses I remind myself when I feel worthless.

 God does love you.  He created you and put you here for a reason.   He has a plan for your life.   We are not worthless, we are His beloved.

~Sunny :D

*If any of you have verse you would like to add to this post, please leave them in the comments below.

The Struggle with Singleness~ Identity Crisis

As a woman ages, the way people speak to her about the possibility of marriage changes.  They seem like small changes, but they are very significant.

When people speak to me:
It used to be: "When you get married....." (20's)
Then it changed to: "If you get married..." (Early 30's)
Then it changed to:  "If you ever get married."(Late 30's)
Then it became a question: "Do you want to get married?"  (40's)
And occasionally I hear:  "What if you don't get married? (Also 40's)

  

The problem with these statements is that makes a women feel like their only role in life is to be a wife and mother.   Also, the way the statement changes will communicate that their possibilities of getting married significantly get lower with each birthday.   Sermons centered around marriage and family, ladies bible studies on "how to be a godly wife" and "family events" at a church tend to make a single women feel like they do not belong.

What happens with someone does not get married?

What are single women supposed to be doing?

If I were married and had children I would know exactly how to act.   What I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to relate to my husband.  My role in life would be very specific and biblically based.

"Teach older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but teach what is good.  then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children.  To be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home and to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."  ~Titus 2: 3-5

The Wife of Noble Character located in Proverbs 31:10-31 outlines exactly what a noble wife should be doing.   How the should act.  What to do with free time.  

So... what are single women supposed to be doing?

When I turn on the TV and watch shows about single women there is always this underlining "hook up culture" attached to it. In these shows,  Single women will spend hundreds of money on designer bags and clothes.  They will go out to eat every night.  They will go to the bar and hook up with a
random guy.   The mantra is "Singles and Fabulous".  

Who actually lives like this? 

Christians are to be set apart.  "God has set apart the Godly for himself." ~Psalm 4:3.  This means we ought to behave in a way that glorifies God.  "Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." ~Romans 12: 1-2.

So.. As a single I look to the church to give me answers about what my life is supposed to look like.   Often people will remind me of famous single people.

For example:
The Apostle Paul was single and he did amazing things for Jesus.
Amy Carmichael was single and was a missionary in India.
Corrie Ten Boom was single and helped jews during Nazi Germany and wrote tons of books.
Michael Tate is the lead singer for News boys.. He is single.

These are all amazing people who lead amazing lives.  I am perfectly ordinary.  Yes, yes. I know God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.   However I don't feel an extraordinary call on my life.

When I ask fellow Christians what a single women is supposed to be doing I usually hear:
1) Devoted to God.  (Reading/studying the Bible, Praying, Worshipping)
2)Serve God (Volunteer in a church, homeless ministries, etc.).

I think ALL Christians(married and/or single) should be devoted to God: Reading, Praying, Worship.
I think ALL Christians (married and/or single) should serve God: In a church or in the community.

I think I struggle with figuring out my specific call in life.  If I am not called to be a wife or mother (as expected) that what is my purpose in this life?

~Sunny :D

Stay Single

Trent Shelton is a motivational speaker.   His words are exactly what I need to hear. Be encouraged!

~Sunny :D

The Struggle with Singleness ~ Stigma

Why do some struggle with being Single?

There seems to be a stigma attached to women who are single and my age.     Single women are identified as: Spinster, Old Maid, Crazy Cat lady. ( I refuse to ever own a cat for this reason).   Have you ever wondered where these come from?

SPINSTER
In the 1600's an unmarried women had very few job prospects.   The term "spinster" was used to describe a women who had a job spinning wool.  Because a majority of these women were single, the term spinster was then applied to single women.    By the 1800's the term spinster started to get the negative connotation and was used to describe women who were past the age of marriage.  During this time women would often hold off on marriage to a suitor they did not feel was adequate.  Sometimes women who did this would find themselves unmarried.    Spinsterhood was seen as a consequence for not taking love seriously.  Think of books like "Sense and Sensibility" or "Pride and Prejudice" byJane Austin.  In these books to remain a single women was viewed as a very negative thing.  Unmarried women are perceived as fussy or undesirable.

Many years ago an unmarried women had very few opportunities to survive.  Thankfully we live in a society where women are able to get professional jobs.   Things are different now.  I am unmarried but I am not a spinster.  It is completely acceptable for a single women to attend college, get a job and build a life without a significant other.

CAT LADY
Today, we might consider an unmarried woman who dotes on her cats a "A crazy cat lady."  Have you ever wondered where the origins of this came from and why cats are perceived as a negative thing for single women to own?

In ancient times, Cats were honored.  In some ancient cultures cats were even god-like.  For example, in Egypt a cat goddess named "Bastet" was half feline and half woman.   In China, a feline goddess was called Li Shou was associated with fertility.  Pagan traditions and folklore continued to be passed down.    During the rise of the catholic church, they sought to eliminate pagan traditions and considered cats evil and used to recruit young ladies into witchcraft.  Thus the association between the two began here.   A book titled "Malleus Maleficarum" was written in 1486 to help identify witches.  In the book, both women and cats were classified as evil.

Today, the crazy cat women is no longer attached to Wiccan practices but still have a negative connotation.  For example:

And as an almost 40 year old woman, this pic is a little unsettling. 

OLD MAID
Have you ever played the game of Old Maid?  In this card game, you get a set of cards and you start to make pairs of two with your cards.  The object is to not have the unmatched card: The Old Maid.  If you get dealt the Old Maid, you lose the game.  It is not a game about winning a much as it is a game about not losing.   This game subconsciously teachers children that if you don't pair off, you are a loser.

As a middle aged single women it is difficult to watch all of your friends pair off and somehow feel left behind.   Recently, I listened to "Lava" by Disney.  In the song the Volcano is all alone watching all of the animals pair up and for years and years he sings:  "I have a dream, I hope it will come true. That you're here with me and I am here with you.  I wish that the earth, sea and sky up above will send me someone to lava."   The first time I heard this song I bawled.   This song (while beautiful) is another example of how those of us who are unpaired feel left out.  Like losers.

By now you might be wondering why I have given you this little history lesson.   Old Maid, Spinster, Cat Lady.  They are just words.  For several generations single women had very little options in life.
The words were used to describe women who fell into the worst possible outcome in life.

We can be thankful today that things are different.   This is 2017.   Women can get college degrees, jobs and purchase homes.    We are no longer limited in our options.  Being an unmarried women is no longer the worst possible thing that can happen.

Let's forget about these labels and live life abundantly!

~Sunny :D

The Struggle with Singleness~ Contentment

If you have read my blog for a long time you will notice that sometimes I am content being single and other times it is a very difficult season.    Sometimes I view contentment as a roller-coaster.  Peaks and valleys.  I decided to take a year off of dating in 2017 to focus on my relationship with the Lord.  The first few months were awesome.   However, soon after I made that decision,  I learned that I can't have children.   Instead of feeling a quiet peace about my circumstances, I have become an emotional mess.

I believe that most singles feel this way about being single.   Sure, we can be content being single when we go on missions trips, buy homes or host a party.   But after the excitement ends or the guests leave we are left alone to wrestle with our own loneliness.  

As I am typing this the lyrics to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day is repeating in my head.  "I walk this lonely road, the only one that I have ever known....."

Anyway, I am definitely in a season where I am struggling with contentment.   I wish I could answer why this is such a struggle right now.   My head knows that marriage is not a cure-all for everything and yet my heart still desires it.

I know that I should express great Joy in all circumstances:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
~Philippians 4:11-13

"Be Joyful always; pray continually; give thanks I all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18;

Paul is stating that being content in all circumstances is to just be thankful.    In my journal I have begun to list 3 things I am thankful for each day.   It is helping me to see the things God has given me and has helped me to stop focusing on the things he has not given.

I am by no means an expert on being content.. But I am trying.. One day at a time...


~Sunny :D

The Struggle with Singleness~ Loneliness

Loneliness is difficult.  We are born alone and most of us will die alone.   Even with all of the distractions I have in life I find myself feeling lonely.   As a teacher I see hundreds of people everyday: Parents, students, colleagues.   I live with a roommate.  I have quality friends, hobbies,  an amazing dog and I am involved in church and yet.. I still feel lonely.

I believe this loneliness is the space where God belongs.

No human (not even a spouse or children) will be able to fill the void in your life that God is meant to fill.  I know this sounds cliche' and I certainly don't want to stick a band-aid on your loneliness with a Christianity 101 blogpost.   What did I want when I felt lonely?  I wanted a connection.  A deep, loving connection.   I have friends in my life where I just kind of "click" with them.    Even the deepest connection did not fix my loneliness.  My search for something deeper.   I was feeling lonely.

Feeling lonely meant I was alone.  However, Gods word promises:

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;  he will never leave. you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8
(Also see: Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 41:10-13).

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."~James 4:8

"Casts your cares on him, for he cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted." ~Psalm 25:16

I feel lonely.  I yearn for a deep connection.   God is able to comfort me, assure me, convict me.  I open his word and wait in expectation for is presence.   I can share my my every thought with God.  I can praise him for they victories and find comfort in the pain.  Jesus understand loneliness as he was abandoned on the cross. (See Matthew 27:46).    The cure for loneliness is not simply marriage, it is in developing a close relationship with God.

~Sunny :D

Summer #Adulting

The term Adulting is often used to describe something adults do.  For example: Going to the bank, working, cooking dinner, getting an oil change.  As a teacher, I am trying to fill up my summer with productive things so I do not fall into a NETFLIX TRAP.      In June I started to see these things floating around Facebook.

Parents will use this to keep kids away from technology.   I think it is brilliant.  I was thinking it would be wise for me to create one for Adults. Here is my list:

#Adulting Choices

Read

Exercise

Balance checkbook/Pay bills

Clean and/or organize something

Work on lesson plans for next year

Play with my dog

Do errands (bank/ grocery store/ etc.)

Try a new recipe

Call a friend

Spend time with a friend

Listen to/watch a sermon

Journal

I choose 5  #Adulting choices each day that I must finish BEFORE I turn on the TV.    This list has done an excellent job of keeping me from getting bored and wasting my summer away.   Each day I am busy until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  Sometimes I multi-task.  For example, I had to get some work done on my car and I brought a book to read.  

Have you ever used something like this to help keep you away from technology/TV?

~Sunny :D

The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis

"Why are you in my wardrobe?" I asked the Lion.

"Narnia Business."He replied.


Just a little C.S. Lewis humor to brighten your day.  :D

Anyway, one of my summer goals was to read several books. (See #Adulting List).   I have heard several Christians tell me that they loved C.S. Lewis.   I decided to start reading "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis.  I must admit, the book is intense.   I had to re-read a chapter just to understand what he was talking about.  I had to look up several words.  This book feels like something I should be discussing during a Grad school class, not  lightly reading by the pool.

  I am not sure if other Christians have had this experience with his books.  Maybe this book is difficult because it is nonfiction?  Anyway, I just finished chapter two and had to take a break to read something a little less complex.  After I finish the book, I will write a blog discussing the highlights of the book.

Who is your favorite Christian author?

~Sunny :D

Scripture Writing

In June I took a challenge of writing a scripture everyday for 30 days.  I choose the topic of anxiety and fear.  Every verse I copied was about how we should not be afraid of anything because we belong to God.   Some of the verses I copied were:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Take my yolk upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls~ for my yolk is easy and my burden is light. " ~Matthew 11:28-30.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
~Psalm 55:22



And the list can go on and on.  Many of the verses I had memorized.    Did writing these verses help with my anxiety and fear?  Honestly, I don't know.  Some days I had a very hard heart and a negative attitude as I copied the verse but I still diligently copied everyday.   Other days I joyfully copied the verses.   I decided to do another 30 days of Scripture writing.  This time I choose the topic of patience and perseverance.   I did not create this list (nor did I create last months list).  I have attached it below so you can join me in writing 30 days of scripture.

~Sunny :D

Maybe... You are exactly where God wants you..

I met a friend for Coffee and had the following conversation:

Me: "When I was 20, I believed that God had a future planned out for me.  I had hope.  I am almost 40. When does a hope and future happen?"

Friend:  "What makes you think you are not exactly where God wants you to be right now?"

Me: "How can that be possible.. I am not married and I can't have kids.  My back up plan was to travel the world, but even that is not really happening as I planned.  This is not what I expected my future to be like."

Friend:  "But... Maybe you are exactly where God wanted you to be.  Look,  you are kind, funny, loyal, honest."

Me:  "You just described my dog.  Beside, everyone I know is funny, loyal and honest.  What makes me different from everyone else?  I want adventure, I want to be different.  You know I read all these blogs and books by Single, Christian woman and they are always SO happy they didn't get married because God was able to (Insert really super cool thing they did with their life.). I have not done any super cool things with my life.  I am just.... Here.  Single, infertile, and wondering where 40 years of my life went."

Friend: "You have a Masters degree."

Me: "Everyone has a Masters degree."

Friend: "Everyone does NOT have a Masters degree..."

Me: "My roommate has a Doctorate from Duke."

Friend: (on google) "Ok, according to this study only 8.9% of Americans have Masters degrees." 

Me: "I know people who are married and/or have kids and have advanced degrees."

Friend: "I am not following..."

Me: "Since I am not married, I feel like I should be doing amazing things with my life.  Like, I had to give up my dreams for something else... I just feel like I am missing out on life."

Friend: "Or.. You are exactly where God wants you but can't see it. You have a good job, a good education.  An amazing dog.  Think of all the students you influence over the years.  You are a good friend who helps out many when they need it.  You might not have achieved marriage, children and travel, but many people would think you are doing amazing things for God exactly where you are right now."

Me: "I guess you are right.  It is hard to accept that this is it.  This will be my reality until the day I die. "

Friend: "This is not it.   You are not even 40 yet and things can change quickly with God.   You still have time to maybe meet someone.  You can always adopt children.   You are still young and can travel the world."

This is a hard lesson to learn.  Accepting the realities of my life, finding contentment where I am.  I have to kind of give up my dreams and expectations to really appreciate where I am right now.  And my friend is right, things can change. 

~Sunny :D