The Struggle with Singleness~ God's Plan

It has been said "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

This indeed has been my experience. 20 years ago, when asked what I wanted out of life I would tell people that I was going to be a wife and mother.  I wanted 4 children, a modest home and Christmas by the fire.  I wanted to go on vacation to Disney World.  Admittedly, most of the decisions I made in my early 20's revolved around what I wanted my life to look like.

God laughed.

Fast forward 20 years and I am single without any children.   I don't own a home and I have never been to Disney World.

I am a planner.   I like to know where I am going and what I am doing.  I have a well organized plan book.   While I have very detailed plans for my day to day life, I feel directionless about the bigger picture for my life.    Being a single person is sometimes difficult because I don't have a great plan for my life.       Married people have a plan: Get married, buy a home, have kids, family vacations to Disney.  They have laid down roots and have some understanding of what is going to happen tomorrow.  They have a structure to their life.

I have not laid roots.  I have no plan for my life.   I have no idea if I will be living in Phoenix next year or if I will be relocating.  I feel like my life is a game of constant spontaneity and it is no longer fun.    I don't know what comes next.  I don't have the map.  I don't have the plan book and it kind of terrifies me.

I have a friend who is married.  I asked her once, "What would your life look like if you never met your husband?" and she continued to rattle off 7 completly different life plans.  SEVEN.   She assured me she loved her husband but if something happened to him she would pursue a completely different life plan.   I was overwhelmed by her goals because I don't even have one life plan figured out.

In some ways, I feel a little like a free spirit and in other ways I feel completely lost.

As a single person I have always been led to believe that single people were kept single for a higher purpose.  People would say "The Apostle Paul was single" or "Corrie Ten Boom was never married". I am reminded that "Amy Carmichael was a missionary and she never got married."  All three of them led extraordinary lives and did amazing things for Christ.

I am not extraordinary.  I am perfectly ordinary.    I am just a teacher in a middle class neighborhood.  I belong to a small church.   I am not making any real difference in this world. I am not making any real difference in my church.   My Friday nights include Pizza and Netflix with my roommate and my dog.  

Too believe that God is keeping me single for this seems... out of his character.

I often struggle... Am I even living God's plan for my life?  
                                                              (Yes, this is the existential crisis speaking)

I have not had any huge revelations for my life.   No burning bushes, no angels of the Lord visiting me in dreams.  I have not had any extraordinary calls on my life.   I am not called to be a missionary.   I don't have a deep burning passion to change the world.   Is this the abundant life I was told I would have?    My head if filled with anxiety afraid to make any plans for fear of failure.    I have cried out to God about what I am supposed to be doing with my life and all I am hearing is:

"Trust Me."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."~. Proverbs 3:5-6

I suggest reading Isaiah 55 (The entire chapter).  I will quote some of the most meaningful verses:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are  you ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

That is kind of humbling.   I honestly have no idea what will happen tomorrow.  Maybe God's call on my ordinary life will change.  Maybe it won't.

However, I am a child of God and all I can do is trust him with my future.  

~Sunny :D