Hope

What is Hope?  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary Hope is defined as: “A desire accompanied by expectation or a belief in fulfillment.”   All Humans hope for something.  Some hope to find jobs, some hope to become cured of disease, some hope to find “the one”.   We are all hoping for something in our lives. 

As Christians, we should place our hope in the LORD.   However, often we place our hope in other things.  Sometimes we place our hope in our own power, in another person or even in objects.    “Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our GOD.” ~ Psalm 20:7.

I know I do this.  I am a sinner and I often find myself placing things on the throne in my life that should not be there.   I place my hope in my own strength and it always fails.  Only GOD’s strength can make my plans succeed.   I place my hope in others, and when they fail, it leaves me frustrated.  I place my hope in material things that eventually wear out and leave me disappointed.   

And when those things fail?

“But now, LORD, what do I look for?  My hope is in you.” ~Psalm 39:7.

            Hope in the LORD is the only way we can get through our days.  He is our strength:  “In our weakness, he is strong.”   His love never fails.   “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are GOD my Savior and my hope is in you all day long.” ~Psalm 25:5

~Sunny :D

Nothing New Under the SUN...

A passage I was recently thinking about is found in Genesis 29:31-30:24.  If you are not familiar this is the passage where Leah and Rachel have a war on who can produce the most children for Jacob.    The behavior was catty as they continued to try to “one up” each other.  

Leah: “It is because of this my husband will love me.” (vs. 29:32)

Rachel: “Give me children or I will die!” (vs. 30:1)

Rachel: “Now sleep with my servant, Bilhah.” (vs. 30:3)

Leah: “I stopped bearing children, now sleep with my servant,  Zilpah.” (vs. 30:9)

 Leah: “You must sleep with me” (vs. 30:16)

            Poor Jacob.   Can you imagine all the nagging happening in that household!  I can imagine that Leah did not bear her 6 sons with the grace we want to think.  I suspect she probably acted very spiteful toward Rachel who remained barren for many years.    In turn, Rachel acted like the world was ending “give me children or I will die!”   What sophomoric behavior is displayed by these two women as they continue to attempt to out-do each other to win the affections of Jacob.  I am going to let you in on a secret.  We women..

STILL DO THIS!

            I noticed this recently while attending the singles groups at my church.  We are planning a Chili potluck and the women were all trying to convince the guys that they made the BEST chili and the BEST cornbread and the BEST desserts.   They were all trying to surpass each other in their domestic skills.   I just sat back and watched.   I kind of smiled on the inside and thought: “Nothing new under the sun!”

I decided to bow out of this rat race and bring bowls and spoons instead!

~Sunny :D

Taboo Confessions

I have been keeping this blog for nearly a year now and it is time for me to confess something to all of you.  Before I begin, sometimes we hold our secrets close to our hearts.   We refuse to share our secrets because we don’t like the way it tastes on our lips~ to admit our faults and failures.   Yes, as Christians we are encouraged to “cast our burdens onto each other”. 

            I have been attending a grace-based church the past two years, and even while going to such an accepting church I have a secret that only a few of the ministry leaders know.   Even people I am very close with do not know the truth and here it is:

I am divorced. 

            This is such a taboo word in churches.    Long before I was married, I attended a very judgment-filled church and I remember the way I would hear people “hush-hush” about the divorced women.   The church I attend now would never treat me like that, but I am still afraid to mention the truth.

            I remember meeting with a pastor from a church I no longer attend during my separation.   I went to his office with my eyes filled with tears and my life feeling hopeless.   He told me the hard facts:  Even though I was innocent in the marriage, and the divorce was not my choice, I should not think about getting married again.   After all, it is plainly stated in scripture: “If a man marries a divorced woman, he commits adultery.” Luke 16:18; Matthew 5:32.   I would be sexually immoral for me to remarry and scripture states:  “The unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral- their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur.”  Revelation 21:8.   

            It broke my heart to hear him say this.  All I wanted to do growing up was become a wife and mother. I was one of those rare women who did not care about degrees and jobs.   And here were the facts: I had one shot and I blew it.  This pastor gave me lots advice as I ended my marriage.    I can say I honestly walked away from my marriage blameless and that is what matters in the eyes of GOD~ Yet at the same time I now feel like I am nothing more than a second-rate Christian and not really deserving the redemption that others have received.

             I don’t want to go to hell because I choose to remarry and I certainly don’t want that for the guy who get’s married to me either.    The church I attend does not preach this kind of hopeless doctrine.   They do not support divorce in any way, however they accept that: “All have fallen short of the glory of GOD, there are none righteous, no not one.”

            Even still, I avoid single guys.  I avoid situations where they might be.  I don’t have any online dating accounts nor do I carefully place myself “where the boys are”.  I run in the opposite direction.   I would find excuses to avoid singles groups and I would disqualify every guy before giving any of them a chance.  I push away any guy who would even try to get near me.  I even un-friended one guy on Facebook for something very silly.    I would focus on building relationships with girls and senior saints.    I purposefully attend a church service filled with retired, married guys.    The young, hip, single crowd attended later services so I wouldn’t.    I choose my church because it did not have a single’s group for my age and I was secretly glad it didn’t.

It gave me a good excuse to hide.

To keep my secret locked in my heart.

Yeah, I talk a good game about wanting to get married (and I would like that) but underneath it I was terrified to even try.   I was brainwashed into thinking that I am divorced and marriage is not an option.   I spent two years flying under the radar under the guise of having total peace about the situation.

But that was not true.

            God is telling me something different.  My pastors are telling me something different.  My trusted friends are telling me something different.  I am hearing:

It’s ok Sunny~ You can try again.

I am secretly terrified.

            My sin was paid at Calvary, but at the same time I did not truly believe that the cross-covered divorces.   However, why should this sin be treated different from other sins?   It is like that passage John where the elders want to stone a woman who was caught in adultery.  ~John 8:1-11 and Jesus said: “let he without sin, cast the first stone.”.   

Jesus came to seek sinners.

Jesus is all about giving us second chances.

This is what grace is all about.

            I am not sure if I am ready to “try again” or even date just quite yet.   GOD has been sending me multiple scriptures about marriage during my quiet times.   Those “senior saints” I mentioned earlier have suggested that it is time for me to settle down.    People I respect and trust are nudging me in that direction.

And it frightens me.

            Don’t get me wrong.   I am not going to start flirting with every guy I see.  I am not signing up for 10 different dating websites nor am I going to carefully place myself “where the boys are”.   I am going to continue to rest in GOD’s grace until he brings me the one he is preparing for me.

Scripture lists the words: “Do not be afraid” 365 times.   

And I am leaning against the throne to find~

My peace

“Be still and know that I am GOD”.

~Sunny :D

Be the person you want to attract

         Singles who complain that they do not attract the type of guy/girl they want frustrates me.  Sometimes I just want to scream: “Look in a mirror!”

            I am not talking about women who think they need to lose 5 or 10 pounds.  I am not talking about guys with brown hair complaining that they can’t find a date.    I am talking about people who set their expectations SO HIGH that they would not qualify to date themselves.

            Let me elaborate.  I have a Master’s degree and a stable job.  I refuse to date any guy who does not have these same characteristics.   Because I have these things too offer I am more likely to find a guy with these things over a girl who does not.   Yet I hear girls with part-time jobs complaining that guys like that “Pass over them.”  These girls refuse to date guys who don’t have good jobs or an education, and yet these same girls are doing nothing to better them selves so a guy like that will pursue them.

They disqualify themselves against their own desires.

            Another example.  I know guys who are good solid 3’s on the looks scale.  Yet these same guys refuse to date anyone who is not at least an 8.   Sometimes unattractive guys can still find a “looker” if they have a good job, but often these guys have average jobs with average pay.

They disqualify themselves against their own desires.

            A Christian will claim they want a Godly man or woman who is on fire for the LORD.   But if you put GOD on the shelf 6 days a week you will never attract the type of person who is “on fire” for the LORD.    You must be actively seeking a relationship with the LORD in your quiet time and not just on Sunday mornings. 

They disqualify themselves against their own desires.

            I am not suggesting we compromise.  I am suggesting that maybe we should stop looking for “the one” and become “the one” that would attract that person to you.     Be honest with yourself and with GOD.  Stop placing expectations onto another human if they are things you don’t have to offer.  

~Sunny :D

How you make me feel...

I feel butterflies when you walk in the room.   Sometimes I can't even speak. 

The second I laid eyes on you~ I felt something.

Things are different with you.

I was so nervous I could not even speak to you.

I had to walk away.

I had to run.

I can't explain it.

I am usually very confident, but around you that confidence would fade.

People tell me about you~ I always hear you name.

You are an Amazing Man of GOD

Strong, intelligent, hard-working and kind.

You sound perfect for me.

If only I could speak to you~ 

instead of run and hide.

A year ago I noticed that you had noticed me.

A new haircut, new clothes and you were starring at me.

I tried to ignore you and push you away.

I know you are "that guy".

They one every girl wants to date. 

And I was not sure why you were watching me. 

Soon, you made more effort.

You started coming around.

You smiled, you were warm.

You were exactly what they said you were. 

Kind and gentle man of GOD.

I am falling for you~

This cannot be happening to me.

Not with you~ 

I push you away because I am so afraid of getting hurt.

I prayed for GOD to take away the butterflies.

Please take these feelings away!

I can't tell you how many times I prayed 

You would leave. 

You continue to pursue me, and my heart begins to swoon.

We have so much in common

As I get to know you, I like you more and more. 

I am no longer afraid of you

I am starting to see you as everyone else sees you.

We are becoming friends. 

Then you disappear~ you won't even say a word.

You no longer stare at me 

You cancelled plans

And I am left wondering..

What did I do wrong?

Where do you go?

 I hate the way you make me feel.  

Those butterflies are still there 

I am giving you space and taking mine as well.

I prayed for GOD to take those butterflies away.

I prayed for you to leave.  

But you continued to pursue me

and now you are gone.

My heart is broken.  My spirit is disheartened. 

Perhaps I knew the ending to this sad story before it began.

My gut was right, you were just going to hurt me.

And now I am left in a pool of tears.

I am not sure why you pursued me, but I hope you realize

that my heart is fragile and more than just a toy

Please leave me alone and I will do the same for you!

I know it is not fair, I don't want to "be your friend".

I want you out of my life

Unless you are willing to give me

So I need to assume he does not. 

Which is difficult and makes me feel like I have to stuff my feelings into a box. 

Soul mate or God's best?

When it comes to Christian dating, there seems to be two trains of thought.

"God's choice"
There is "one" and he/she is the only one I am supposed to be with and GOD decided who I was going to marry a long time ago and I am going to wait until he reveals who this person is.

"Your choice"
GOD gave us free will to decide who we should choose.  The bible states they must be a Christian, other than that, it is your choice.   We should use our free will to choose the best match for us.

Which line of thinking is right?

I read a lot of articles where the authors believe that we single Christians "over-spiritualize" it and make dating a lot more complicated than it has to be.  I agree with this line of thought..

However,

I want the one GOD's wants for me.  I want to find that guy who is so perfect for me that we go together like peanut butter and jelly.   I don't want any doubts or hesitations.

People tell me that when he is the right one, we will both "just know".

My tummy sometimes gets anxious thinking I might be stepping out of GOD's will when I try to take matters into my own hands.

I am at a good place in my career. I have reached my educational goals.   I don't have sin problems (Strong holds) that I know about.    I have a strong relationship with GOD.  People at my church consider me a Godly women and nobody has any idea why I am still single.

And I don't get it either!

I have asked GOD to search my heart so I could find the reason I am still single~

GOD is silent.

I have always avoided internet dating and "getting out there" because I am afraid I will miss out on GOD's best because I am wasting all my time with the wrong guys.   I figured if I was faithful to GOD and involved in my church GOD would eventually bring "the one" to me.   I know people who maintain multiple dating website accounts, they attend multiple singles events & groups, they do everything they can to find "the one".

And they have not found him/her yet.

I have trouble doing that.   I can't sign up for dating websites because  I find it a waste of time and money.   I feel like I am trying to play God with my love life.

Yet, I have not had a date in 2 years.

But~  I also did not feel "ready" to date two years ago.

I feel like I am in a much better place to get into a relationship than I was two years ago.  I do feel like GOD has been working on my heart and trying to prepare me for marriage.

Give me the patience to wait a little longer Oh, LORD..

~Sunny :D