Taboo Confessions

I have been keeping this blog for nearly a year now and it is time for me to confess something to all of you.  Before I begin, sometimes we hold our secrets close to our hearts.   We refuse to share our secrets because we don’t like the way it tastes on our lips~ to admit our faults and failures.   Yes, as Christians we are encouraged to “cast our burdens onto each other”. 

            I have been attending a grace-based church the past two years, and even while going to such an accepting church I have a secret that only a few of the ministry leaders know.   Even people I am very close with do not know the truth and here it is:

I am divorced. 

            This is such a taboo word in churches.    Long before I was married, I attended a very judgment-filled church and I remember the way I would hear people “hush-hush” about the divorced women.   The church I attend now would never treat me like that, but I am still afraid to mention the truth.

            I remember meeting with a pastor from a church I no longer attend during my separation.   I went to his office with my eyes filled with tears and my life feeling hopeless.   He told me the hard facts:  Even though I was innocent in the marriage, and the divorce was not my choice, I should not think about getting married again.   After all, it is plainly stated in scripture: “If a man marries a divorced woman, he commits adultery.” Luke 16:18; Matthew 5:32.   I would be sexually immoral for me to remarry and scripture states:  “The unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral- their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur.”  Revelation 21:8.   

            It broke my heart to hear him say this.  All I wanted to do growing up was become a wife and mother. I was one of those rare women who did not care about degrees and jobs.   And here were the facts: I had one shot and I blew it.  This pastor gave me lots advice as I ended my marriage.    I can say I honestly walked away from my marriage blameless and that is what matters in the eyes of GOD~ Yet at the same time I now feel like I am nothing more than a second-rate Christian and not really deserving the redemption that others have received.

             I don’t want to go to hell because I choose to remarry and I certainly don’t want that for the guy who get’s married to me either.    The church I attend does not preach this kind of hopeless doctrine.   They do not support divorce in any way, however they accept that: “All have fallen short of the glory of GOD, there are none righteous, no not one.”

            Even still, I avoid single guys.  I avoid situations where they might be.  I don’t have any online dating accounts nor do I carefully place myself “where the boys are”.  I run in the opposite direction.   I would find excuses to avoid singles groups and I would disqualify every guy before giving any of them a chance.  I push away any guy who would even try to get near me.  I even un-friended one guy on Facebook for something very silly.    I would focus on building relationships with girls and senior saints.    I purposefully attend a church service filled with retired, married guys.    The young, hip, single crowd attended later services so I wouldn’t.    I choose my church because it did not have a single’s group for my age and I was secretly glad it didn’t.

It gave me a good excuse to hide.

To keep my secret locked in my heart.

Yeah, I talk a good game about wanting to get married (and I would like that) but underneath it I was terrified to even try.   I was brainwashed into thinking that I am divorced and marriage is not an option.   I spent two years flying under the radar under the guise of having total peace about the situation.

But that was not true.

            God is telling me something different.  My pastors are telling me something different.  My trusted friends are telling me something different.  I am hearing:

It’s ok Sunny~ You can try again.

I am secretly terrified.

            My sin was paid at Calvary, but at the same time I did not truly believe that the cross-covered divorces.   However, why should this sin be treated different from other sins?   It is like that passage John where the elders want to stone a woman who was caught in adultery.  ~John 8:1-11 and Jesus said: “let he without sin, cast the first stone.”.   

Jesus came to seek sinners.

Jesus is all about giving us second chances.

This is what grace is all about.

            I am not sure if I am ready to “try again” or even date just quite yet.   GOD has been sending me multiple scriptures about marriage during my quiet times.   Those “senior saints” I mentioned earlier have suggested that it is time for me to settle down.    People I respect and trust are nudging me in that direction.

And it frightens me.

            Don’t get me wrong.   I am not going to start flirting with every guy I see.  I am not signing up for 10 different dating websites nor am I going to carefully place myself “where the boys are”.   I am going to continue to rest in GOD’s grace until he brings me the one he is preparing for me.

Scripture lists the words: “Do not be afraid” 365 times.   

And I am leaning against the throne to find~

My peace

“Be still and know that I am GOD”.

~Sunny :D