Things NOT to say to Singles

I have been single more years than I have been in a relationship and I have heard more than my fair share of terrible things people say to singles.  I wanted to share some of the things I have heard over the years.

1)It is not that bad being single.... At least you don't have cancer or something.
I understand that being single is not a debilitating life threatening condition.  However, to singles (especially those who want to get married) it is a very difficult situation.  Singles have to deal with deep loneliness and a fear of the future.  They are left to deal with thoughts of inadequacy and rejection.  You begin to worry about "The Who" and "The When" in the future, not to mention the fearful "IF" question.  What IF I never get married?  Not to mention the deep loneliness that if often felt as we spend another holiday alone.  I have a single friend who told me she would rather die of Cancer than spend the rest of her life alone.  It might not be a life-threatening condition but to some single people it feels like it is.

2)Single people are so lucky to not be married or have kids. It must be nice to have all that money to spend on yourself. 
This frustrates me.  We are not losers living rent free in our parents basements.  While I agree, we do not have to worry about financially supporting a spouse or children we do have to be financially responsible for ourselves.   Most singles I know work two jobs or have to live with roommates to make ends meet.  We still have the same bills that married people have: rent/mortgage, electric, car insurance, health insurance,  phone bill, car payments, student loans, gas, food, and home goods.   We also have to worry about vet bills, car registration, AAA, and doctors visits.  The difference is, we do it on ONE income instead of two.

3)This church loves single people!  We need volunteers for (Insert ministry name here).
I think serving in a church honors God. However, I also get frustrated that I am asked to serve more often because I am single/don't have kids.   Most singles work a full time job and several work two jobs.   We do not have unlimited time to serve in a bazillion ministries just because we are not married.   Yes, I understand that married people want a break from their kids and they want to listen to a sermon and grow closer to God.  Guess what? Single people need to grow closer to God too and we can't do that if we are always being asked to volunteer in Sunday school.

As a side note, when we are serving all over the church (especially in Sunday school) we often miss the socialization aspect of church. Parents pick up their children late and we miss out on forming healthy relationships with other believers.

4) You are being saved single, so you can serve.
I had a pastor say this to me once and it made me want to serve less.  All Christians have gifts and talents and can be used by God to glorify his kingdom. To make a statement that I will essentially never get married because God needed me to serve in his church made me grow very resentful of serving in a church.  It was as if this pastor was trying to convince me that I am more useful as a single person than I even will be as a married women so God will never allow me to get married so I can just serve in a bazillion ministries in the church.   I lost  a lot of joy in serving God after that was said to me and that statement had a lot to do with why I left that particular church and still hesitate to serve in ministries.

5) Single people are selfish.
I am not sure how being unmarried makes us selfish.   In fact, I often think it is the other way around. Not only are we asked to serve in a bazillion ministries (See above) but we are asked to be incredibly flexible with our free time.    I have dropped everything and drove in rush hour traffic to pick up a friend who had a broke down car.   I have gotten up at 2 AM to drive a friend to the airport.   I make dinner for my friends on a Friday night.  I will watch the children of one of my friends, so her and her husband can go on a much needed date.   Granted, I able to do those things because I am unmarried but none of those things are acts of selfishness.

6) Say any of the following: 
You are single because (Insert things we are supposedly doing wrong).
I have been told I am single for a variety of reasons that often contradict themselves.
I have been told:
You are single because you are too busy.
You are single because you are not busy enough.
You are too chatty, guys don't like that.
You are not outgoing enough, guys don't like that.
Guys think you are unavailable because____
Guys think you are too available because_____
Guys like girls with natural hair.
Guys like girls with highlights.
You should get out more and socialize
You should stop socializing and serve in the church
You come off as being a flirt.
You come off as being reserved.
etc, etc, etc.

I have multiple single friends who are simply delightful.  Many of them are attractive, have a Christ-loving heart, and a good job (Male and female).   Yet, they are sadly unmarried. To diagnose their singleness as being their fault is very insensitive and lacks knowledge of the sovereignty of God.  God is ultimately in control and is working things for our good.   Even if we are too chatty, or too busy or don't dye our hair.  God knows us and is working things for our good.

6) God will not bless you with a spouse until you first learn contentment in him.
First, when you state this, it is making marriage feel like something we can earn.  It is a little jab of judgement  in our face that we are not good enough.   All you married folks must have achieved perfect contentment in Christ before meeting the man/woman of their dreams and thus they are better than us unmarried, discontent Christians.  This is not how God works.  There is this wonderful thing called grace.  If we only received blessings when we deserved them than most of us would fall short of many blessings in life.

7) Paul thought that being Single was a "gift".  As a single you have the "gift" to commit yourself fully to God. 
As a single person I do not have to worry about anyone else other than myself.  I am free to read my bible, pray and worship the Lord whenever and wherever I want.  I have freedom to go on missions trips and serve in the church without consulting anyone else.   Is this a gift?  Yes, in many ways it is a gift to grow in intimacy with God without distraction.  However, I think many Christians take that verse out of context.  This does not mean that we are wrong for wanting a Christ honoring life-long commitment.  God designed marriage just like he designed singleness.  Different seasons for different people.  For many, singleness is a season and not a life-long destination.  
 
However, as Christians we should all be (Married and Single) striving to commit fully to God. Grow closer to him and do devotions.  

8) You have made marriage an idol and God should be enough.
This makes singles feel guilty for having a desire for a Godly marriage.   God created Marriage and believes it is a good thing.   In Genesis, God created Adam.  Adam had full intimacy with God in the garden of Eden.  This was before the fall, before the relationship was broken.  Before sin came into the world.   Yet, God still believed that Adam needed a partner and created Eve.   Adam had the best case scenario to navigate this world as a single and yet God still believed he needed a partner.

When being told God should be enough is essentially believing that our relationships with the Lord are broken because we desire marriage.  We need to stop judging singles for wanting a very healthy and normal God-given desire.
  
9) Jesus was single. 
Jesus was the son of God.  Jesus was also completely sin-free and absolute perfect.   I am none of those things and neither are married people.  Humans struggle with sin: greed, jealousy,  idolatry, gluttony, lust, pride, and the list goes on.

Jesus was infallible.  I am imperfect.

Do I strive to be Christ-like?  Absolutely.  But, in no means that that mean I am able to bear the same responsibilities Christ did.

10) Have you met (insert single man/woman who attends your church).
Speaking as someone who has left a church (or three) because some well-intentioned busy-bodies got involved in my romantic life.   Please, please do NOT do this.   Unless the single specifically approaches you and asks you about available men/women, please just leave them alone.   If it is supposed to happen, it will if/when God allows it.   We certainly don't want half the church following us around and sheepishly grinning whenever they see us talking together.  Nobody wants to be in the center of a rumor-mill and singles are not in your church to provide entertainment in the form of a romantic comedy.    Please stop playing Church bachelor/bachelorette games.   If anything, this kind of speculation puts unnecessary pressure on an already complicated situation.




I do not think this is an exhaustive list of things NOT to say to singles.  However, I think I covered the main comments we are all tired of hearing.   Keep reading (my best blog post) to find out what you should say to singles!

~Sunny :D