I have become the thing I feared... And it is ok.

I am going to be 40 in August. Birthday's (especially the big birthday's) are a time of self-reflection.  

When I was 18 I had three goals in life.

1) Become a teacher.

2) Become a wife.

3) Become a mother. 

I remember attending a bible study when I was 20 or 21 and meeting a single women who was in her 40's.  Never married, no kids.  She said things like "Being single is not that bad" or "I enjoy being single."  I thought she was crazy.  How can anyone be ok with being 40 and single.  My biggest fear in life (at 20) was to become her.   

I am going to be 40 in August and I have become the thing I feared.  I recently found out that I will never have children (see previous blog).   I am very single with zero prospects in sight.  I had three goals and two of them have not happened.   This put me into a deep depression.  

Where are you God?

Do you care?

Are you real?

Have you been listening to my prayers for the last 20 years?

What is the purpose of my life?

I started to notice the presence of grey hair. (yes, my first gray hair).  I have started to accept that maybe I should stop allowing people to believe I am 26.  Yes, I look young for my age and often get mistaken as being much younger, but I should correct them and tell them.  I am almost 40.  

My counselor calls it a Mid-Life Crisis but I prefer the term Existential Crisis. It sounds more academic.    

I am learning to accept the realities of who I am.   In many ways my life is vastly different than I ever imaged it.  I moved to Arizona, I earned a Masters Degree, and I have become an amazing teacher.   I have traveled places I never believed I would travel to. 

I still ache for marriage and  I am still grieving over the loss of my ability to have children.   I am learning to become content where I am.  Maybe it is time to give up that dream and accept my life as it is.  Fully live in the moment. 

~Sunny :D