The Cancer Scare

a few months ago, I was having some issues with my health.  I was getting cramps in my reproductive areas,  and had pain so severe I had difficulty walking.  I had a grandmother who died of ovarian cancer and my father also died of cancer.  I was afraid and I quickly set up an appointment to meet with a gynecologist.  

Sparing your the details (and a long story) I do not have cancer.  However, I have lost my ability to have children.  My health complications can be managed with medication so I don't have to have a surgery~ however, being infertile has been a difficult thing to wrestle with. 

I did not lose someone I loved, but I have to face the reality that I will not ever have a child.  This is difficult for someone whose only goal in life was  to be a wife a mother.  In situations like this it is common to enter into the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

During the past few months, I have felt these stages toward God.  

Denial:  There has to be a cure, it can't just be over like that?   This is not really happening to me.  This has got to be a mistake.  I am not even 40 yet.    

Bargaining: OK, God, what would you like from me to get my fertility back?  Service?  More prayer?  Prayer.  If will pray a lot, will you will restore me.  

The following 5-6 months were followed with a mixture of anger and being depressed.

Anger: God, I followed your rules, why are you taking away my ability to have kids?  Fine, then I guess I won't go to church ever again!  (Yes, I actually said this and avoided church for about 3 months). 

Depressed: My world is ending!  Everyone I know is getting pregnant and I will never be pregnant.  Mother's Day is the worst day every invented, other than Valentines Day.  Thanks Hallmark for making my life miserable and reminding me how empty my life is.   

In many ways, I lost my will to live.  I cried all of the time: Driving, watching a TV show, even teaching my class.  I was tired all the time and struggled to fall asleep at night.   I isolated myself from church, friends and even God. 

I can easily say it was the lowest point in my life. Once summer vacation began,  I started to attend counseling.  My counselor  has been encouraging me to attend church again and socialize with friends.  Make connections.  I have slowly begun to read my bible again.    It will take me a long time to arrive to where I need to be next but life is all about the journey. 

~Sunny :D