I must
apologize for my very long break from writing this blog. I am finally on the other side of a very
difficult season in my life. I have
avoided publishing anything because I was raised with the mantra “If you have
nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” When I saw my last few posts having such a
negative tone, I decided to step away until I was in a better frame of mind.
I am going to be a
little vulnerable in this post. I have
been broken. Everything I thought I was and was going to be
has been taken away. My life was turned
upside down. I had to go through some of
the most difficult lessons of my life. I
had to walk them alone.
I wish I could say I handled those trials with grace and hope. However, I must confess I was angry. I was angry with my others. I was angry with God. I stopped feeling like a beloved child of God and I started to feel condemned. I felt manipulated and extorted. I was shamed into believing I was something I was not.
When my accusers got blessed I really started to turn away
from God. I did not understand why things
were so difficult for me and so easy for them.
Was the Lord going to vindicate me?
Did he even care? That
anger turned into bitter roots and I began to question God about
everything. I stopped trusting him. I even stopped believing he was real. Sunday
mornings became difficult because I felt like I was wasting my time. I had
lost hope.
Have you even felt like that?
I wanted to forget everything and move on. On December 31st, 2015 I made a
list of things I refused to talk about.
This included names, events and painful incidents from the past year. I call this the blacklist because those things
were going to be blacklisted from my mind.
I did not want to prolong the
healing process. I was tired of being
broken and I wanted to feel strong again.
I wanted a clean slate and a
fresh start. That night, I rededicated
myself to God. I sought forgiveness for
every wrong I had done in the past year and a half. I vowed to make prayer a more conscience
habit. I promised to aim to attend
church again. I cried to the Lord and told him that I would try
to trust that everything that happened was truly for my good. On my
bathroom mirror I posted the bible verse
“Forgetting what is
behind me and straining toward what is ahead.”
~Philippians 3:13.
I kept my resolutions for months. I was
attending church on Sunday morning again.
I was praying every night for 30 minutes. I started to read my bible again. I was really good at avoiding the topics
found on the blacklist.
But then..
I started to get reminders of the things on the
blacklist. A song on a radio, a
volleyball game, the scent of cologne would all remind me of people or
situations on the black list. I prayed
and realized that avoiding the painful circumstances was not going to healing
me. I had to face the situations with
God.
I learned that I needed to start to view the situations the
way God would. What was God’s
perspective? How did he see things? What
was I supposed to learn? I can’t answer
those questions today and perhaps I won’t get answers to until I see
Jesus.
I wanted God to heal me but it was not going to happen if I
continued to avoid the painful stuff. I need to take the Band-Aid off of my soul and
allow God to heal it correctly. God
likes the valleys, and he likes the deserts. He likes to strip us down so the only thing we
have left is Him. He takes our broken
pieces and heals us and he makes us whole again.
Am I happier now?
Yes and no. I am
happier that I am no longer feeling shame and condemnation. I feel like I am able to breath again and I
feel like I have had an opportunity to just rest with the Lord. I am
sad about the loss of the life I thought I would have. I am puzzled by why GOD choose to remove me
from the life I was expecting and turn me upside down. With that being said, I am learning to trust
Jesus with my life again and I am finding hope in doing so.
I hope you will continue on this journey with me. I have written a bunch of new material in
the past few weeks and I will be posting them shortly.
Sunny :D
